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For those of you who have been doing Schema Therapy with me, you and I have talked about your different modes: child modes, critic modes and coping modes. In Schema Therapy the major component of the first part of therapy is you and me getting to know your different modes. Many of you will have names for your modes that are of personal significance given your history.
Our modes are like passengers on a bus. But, this is no ordinary bus! The driver of the bus changes depending on which stop we have just pulled out of. Sometimes our bus has pulled into Lonely Town Central Station and our Vulnerable Child has wrestled the wheel. At other times, the bus might have pulled into Shitsvillle Stop and Helpless Surrenderer has limply dragged themselves into the driver’s seat. The bus might be cutting across lanes at the hands of a delusional driver who thinks they can catch up from running late by having Lewis Hamilton bus diving skills, aka the Self-Aggrandiser Driver. At the back of the bus, we have the usual suspects. These dodgy characters don’t take the wheel themselves, but back seat drive! Nobody on the bus likes these scaly characters. They are a gang called the Crtic Modes. One of them means well. They just want to keep the Vulnerable Child safe but unfortunately they are just down right demanding (do this, do that, don’t do it like this). The other is a real pain the rear end, this is the member of the gang that induces guilt (you don’t deserve the luxury of travelling on a bus). The third of this gang of three is the nastiest. They make it their business to cause other to feel humiliated and shamed.
Sometimes different modes fight with one another for control of the bus or they might make deals with one another about who will drive when and under what conditions. The gang of three critics who sit at the back hate to be silent. When boundaries are imposed on them they fight back to have their say.
BUT, amongst all of these, every one of you also has a WISE HEALTHY ADULT mode. Our Wise Health adult Mode is that part of us that can oversee the various passengers on the bus. Our Wise Healthy Adult mode is the part of us that can listen to the other passengers and respond in a balanced and measured manner. Our Wise Healthy Adult mode can listen to the Vulnerable Child mode and tend to their needs. Our Wise Healthy Adult mode can diminish the power of the critic modes. Our Wise Healthy Adult mode can formulate avenues for coping that are helpful instead and optimize our circumstances and the circumstances of those around us.
Over the Christmas period it helpful for us to tune into who is driving our Christmas Bus at any point in time. If the bus has been hijacked by one of our child modes: enraged, impulsive, angry, vulnerable or undisciplined child we ask, from the place of our Wise Healthy Adult mode: what is it that my child mode needs? We listen for the response and we consider helpful ways of meeting this needs.
The Christmas period is a ripe time for activating our child modes and it can be tricky tuning into our child modes and getting a sense of what that mode needs. I have uploaded an experiential exercise that can help you tune into your child modes and listen for what they are needing.
Another suggestion is doing a writing exercise with your least preferred writing hand. In this exercise, from the perspective of your child mode write how your child experiences Christmas and what they need during this festive season. REMEMBER, when doing this writing exercise to write in the first person of your child mode. This will mean that if your vulnerable child mode is your 4 year-old self, your write as if your 4 year-old self is doing the writing.
A third suggestion is to have an intention to tune into how your body feels and what your emotional inner world is like when you are engaged in particular Christmas activities and events that were ones that you engaged in as a child. Examples are singing particular carols; eating particular Christmas foods; decorating the Christmas tree; visiting particular places or people.
Remember, as I mentioned above, you all have Wise Healthy Adult modes. You are all capable, of touching your child modes and responding from the place of your Wise Healthy Adult mode.